


Ten thousand ships

by cortchuzska



Series: Dornish wit [7]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-06-21
Packaged: 2018-01-26 14:53:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1692368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cortchuzska/pseuds/cortchuzska
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>aGoT characters' views on their own and others' shippings - usually asking for more!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Oberyn's. Canon ships, off-canon ships, cross-ships, crack-ships.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dear Fanfiction Writers](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1510649) by [SliverQuill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SliverQuill/pseuds/SliverQuill). 



> While SilverQuill's work is on characters complaining about their ships, this one is about not being shipped enough.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If I might be so bold, I would like to submit to your kind attention a most regrettable lack of shippings featuring me

Dear sirs,

If I might be so bold, I would like to submit to your kind attention a most regrettable lack of shippings featuring me, apart from the canonical Sands, that is Ellaria and Daemon, the obvious Renly/Loras/Willas, the usual “Keep it in the family” stuff with Doran/Elia/Rhaegar/Lyanna, and inconsequential teenage shenanigans between me, Arthur and Ashara... Mingy things, you will agree.

I won't even mention Sansa Stark: a story between a snake and a little bird is so NOT going to work. Having family brutally slaughtered by the Lannisters is something we could relate on, fair, but far from my own notion of wholesome entertainment, and as for shyness I wholly share my paramour's views. I favour gutsy girls, such as, but in no way limited to:

\- Ygritte

\- Asha Greyjoy

\- Hermione Granger (in my days at the Citadel I was quite the swot myself, besides Dorne is a broad minded country and I am not at all averse to cross-shipping)

\- Brienne of Tarth

By the way, how come even Jaime “Sweet sis only” Lannister gets around way more than me, with loads of characters of both genders – even _my_ own sister and his Kingsguard fellows? To think Arthur, the lucky bastard, looked so prim and proper in his whites...

Speaking of the no less fair sex most sought after members, what about:

\- Euron Greyjoy

\- Qyburn

\- Ramsay Snow (just in case someone wondered, I hold no bias whatsoever against bastards)

\- Tywin Lannister

If any further suggestion for a n-some were to occur to your mind, do feel free to call upon us at Littlefinger's, where Ellaria and I are reviewing eligible candidates.

Yours observingly,

Oberyn Nymeros Martell

PS: on second thought, tick out Tywin, and forget _anything_ involving Cersei, Jaime, or both. Were any of Varys's little birds eavesdropping, someone please tell the Spider what Doran and I truly mean by “Fucking the Lannisters” .

PPS: as to some disturbing rumours regarding Danaerys Targaryen, while in truth I can't object to a 2-some (Ellaria prefers blondes: she stayed there long enough and grew bored with the colour sported in Lys by the best part of whores) no way I am going to wed. Her or anybody else.

I am not marrying, and if I ever were (never going to happen, not even if a mountain dropped on me and smashed my brain to a pulp) it would not certainly be my blasted goodbrother's little sister. It is known how well a Martell/Targaryen match worked out for our older siblings last time, and I would rather die with a tit in my hand than BBQed by moody dragons.

 


	2. Cersei's canon ships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are welcome to explore, expand and exploit every possible shipping involving my sweet sister.

Dear fan-shippers,

You are welcome to explore, expand and exploit every possible shipping involving my sweet sister: everything GRRM wrote of, hinted at, had on the tip of his fingers and never made it to the keyboard, but nothing off-canon, please. I need to convince Jaime she is a lying whore and my dear brother is not going to buy a flight of fancy such as “Voldemort&Cersei forever” . The filthier junk you post, the better: gold, women, golden women, you name your price.

Tyrion

PS: if Cersei bribes you into keeping your quill to yourself, I am willing to double her offer.

* * *

I, Cersei of House Lannister, Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, hereby declare enemies of the crown the felons who, wilfully misapprehending what so adamantly stated in canon, ship me with the below mentioned:

  * Rhaegar. Robert hated the Dragon! I am a loyal wife, how could I harbour such treacherous feelings?



  * Eddard Stark. Only the most wicked woman could try to seduce her hubby's best friend!

  * Jaime. I am shocked by your abominable insinuation! My baby brother! ! My own twin! ! ! My other half! ! ! ! ~~The father of all my children! ! ! ! !~~ My beloved husband was so right in despising the Targaryens and all their unspeakable depravities.

  * Lancel. I always did my duty by family members: I took care of him, guided him by my own example, and tucked him in his bedsheets with a goodnight kiss when the boy felt homesick, just as uncle Kevan asked. I brought him to a better self-awareness, and led him to the Faith. How can you be so sick just to imagine I could... My little cousin! My own brother's lookalike! ! !

  * Oz Kettleblack # 1 I am the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and a Lannister, I don't mingle with trash.

  * Oz Kettleblack # 2 again, I am the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and a Lannister, I don't mingle with trash.

  * Oz Kettleblack # 3 I am the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and a Lannister, I don't mingle with trash, and I am not serial.

  * ~~Oz Kettleblack # 4~~ Taena Merryweather. That's much more to Robert's taste.

  * Willas Tyrrel. I am known to have a soft spot for cripples, my youngest brother being one. Am I to be blamed for a sister's tender heart? I have no grudges with the Tyrells at all, but my own children' wife's brother tastes way too much like incest, gods forbid!

  * Oberyn Martell. If my parents tried twice to arrange a marriage, it was just out of political expediency. Dutiful daughter as I am, it doesn't make him my dream man. ~~What do I share with drunkards and lechers with a train of bastards in their tow that even dad and mum keep shipping me with such sort?~~

  * Aurane Waters. A bastard, the shame of it! A bastard, and with the ghastly, disgusting, awful Targaryen looks: you know, long, streaming silver hair, eerie violet eyes...




Back to business. After a mock trial the offenders will be thrown in the Black Cells and trusted to Qyburn's keeping.

* * *

To everyone it may concern

Stop shipping my sister: Cersei loves me, and me only. All her ships, no matter what GRRM wrote about them, are blatant lies. He knows nothing and is dismally misinformed: she is my twin, not his, I know my sister better than anyone else and she would never, ever lie to me.

Rhaegar. What's the matter with him? He is totally pointless. Those long, flowing, gold-silver hair. Which girl would want a man who looks like her – almost prettier than her? His sad looks, his heart jerking songs, his convoluted books, his love for foggy prophecies, his sombre garbs soberly sprinkled with dark rubies. Is there any girl who would swoon over an emo in a medieval fantasy? His prowess as a warrior is not anything that could interest women, who know nothing about warfare; and anyway not my sister. Heir to the throne too. Well, maybe becoming queen could appeal to most; but my sister is not most girls. She is the Queen already, right? Besides, he is a married man, and that's the end of it.

Eddard Stark. That is, Ned “Icicle” Stark. She would sooner have that droll fellow of Moonboy, don't you think so?

Robert. He hated her and was pining over Lyanna. I would bet my sword hand he never as much touched Cersei.

Lancel. Our pious prude of a cousin. Robert's corpse would make a livelier bedmate.

Ozzies Kettleblack. Have you ever seen one in a bathtub? All that hard muscles, fearsome scars and dark wiry hairs. My sister would never do that. Never.

Taena Merriweather. Cersei doesn't do women. Why would she do someone who is just like herself? It could never fit as perfectly as... I mean, I don't do women either and she is like me.

Oberyn Martell. He is known to bed boys; but if Cersei were one, that would be me, and I don't bed men; and since my sister loathes Tyrion she could never befriend anyone who is friendly with him.

Willas Tyrrel. The one thing Cersei hates more than Tyrrels are cripples.

Aurrrane Waters. T' old pirrrate's charrrm. ARRRRHHHH!. I won't even comment on that.

Cersei loves only me, because there is no one like me: I am the one just like her! So stop it now: anyone stating the contrary in my hearing will be thrown out from the nearest window at hand, Oathbreaker's word.

* * *

Dear fan-shippers, beloved, befuddled and beyond blindfolded brother,

Thank you deeply for diffusely shipping my slutty sister with pretty much everything that breathes (or who might not – Robert Strong anyone? ), but for all your best efforts my stubborn brother is none the wiser.

For the umpteenth time, Jaime, do listen:

Rhaegar. Everybody loved him to bits. Apart from Robert. And Robert hating him would be enough for Cersei to get wet.

Robert. Robert fucking Baratheon. Like, he bedded the female half of the Red Keep. The Flea Bottom and the Street of Silk, all the while mourning, grieving and sorrowing for Lyanna, and would he not bed his wife?

Oberyn Martell. Only because he said firmly _no, never, leave my scorpion be, another step forward and I am going to cry for help:_ she all but threw herself at him. Same goes for Ned.

Lancel. I am sorry but our House has not the Stark's nor the Martells' mettle. Come on, can you remember yourself at fifteen? How were you like? How well did _you_ resist Cersei, when she set to it?

The Kettleblacks. She needed fresh meat to fill in the ranks and bargained for the whole lot of them: you know how cookware teleshopping works.

Merry Taena. Robert's taste for wine was not quite the only thing that rubbed off on her.

Aurane Waters. Why do you think she beggared the treasury to give him a fleet to play with?

Willas Tyrell. I give you that. She does hate cripples, I can attest to it.

Tyrion

PS: to my utter dismay there is nothing about Cersei and Moonboy despite my suggestions in in the books: ruefully no one took up the story. In case that works the miracle and drops the scales off my pigheaded brother's eyes, I am offering to carve out quite a big chunk of the North for the dirtiest smut on the matter. Since Bronn is illiterate, is anyone volunteering to hone up the quill, poison the nib and nail down a Moonboy ship for me?


	3. Jaime's off-canon ships.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime is mine, only mine, mine only, and in case you are too dumb to get it I will unleash Robert Strong on everyone shipping him with anyone who is not me

You vile vermin

Jaime is mine, only mine, mine only, and in case you are too dumb to get it I will unleash Robert Strong on everyone shipping him with anyone who is not me, such as:

Robert Baratheon. Would you like to end up like Varys, sweetheart? For that's the time I bite it off.

Robb Stark/Sansa Stark/Arya Stark/Ned Stark/Lyanna Stark/Catelyn Stark. Winterfell badly needs refurbishing and lacks a Moon Door among its many amenities: see to it soon. Till then, an accidental fall from the First Keep will do.

Lysa Tully. Jaime has only loved one woman, I promise. _His_ sister.

Theon Greyjoy. Your name is Reek, remember? You are Ramsay's pet, you are loyal to him, you are his only, you do everything he asks of you. Jaime is mine, loves me only and does everything I ask. What would your beloved master do to anyone who stoles his pet? Don't think me any softer.

Ramsay Bolton/Roose Bolton. Your blades are sharp. Qyburn's lancet sharper.

Aemon Targaryen/Daenerys Targaryen/Viserys Targaryen/Rhaella Targaryen/Aerys Targaryen/Aegon Targaryen/Jon Targaryen/Rhaegar Targaryen. Fuck all the dragons flock for all I care, but Rhaegar is _mine_ to drool over, understood?

Elia Martell/Oberyn Martell. You have a sibling of your own; hands off mine. Already unleashed Greg on you both, now I think of it.

Margaery Tyrell/Loras Tyrell. None of my fault if your sibling is the wrong gender or sexual orientation.

Arthur Dayne. He is your sworn _brother_ , and incest is such a bad, bad thing. If you are really into it, you have a comely sister whom you could break your vows with at your leisure.

Brienne of Tarth. You have no surviving brother, fine, but don't be ridiculous, wench... You are an ugly cow who looks almost like a man. It's known: Jaime doesn't bed with cows nor with boys, Jaime beds _me_ only _:_ be there any fucking to be done by the Lannister twins, boy or cow, I am the one doing it.

* * *

Dear fanfiction shippers,

I need all your help; don't let my sweet sister bully you. Do you realize how gruelling is it to set up a round of dates for a greying man, with a minor handicap, even if still damn good looking, witty and disproportionately rich? Especially when the only one he can think of is his own sister. Jaime needs to go out, meet with people, tackle some identity issues and forget about her. My brother is about forty and it's ripe time he gets his first woman, or first man, or first anyone who is _not_ Cersei.

My best bet would be a hot chick with drive in spades such as Arianne Martell, unbiased towards cripples (see Willas Tyrell) and perfectly happy with trampling on Kingsguard vows (see late Arys Oakheart), but I'll leave it to you: due to recent events, I have a disturbing feeling she would rather marry Walder Frey.

Sansa, be a dear: doesn't Jaime look like a knight out of a song? I know, he is so Lannister, pushed your little brother off a window, tried to kill another, stabbed your father, fathered Joffrey... I know, but deep down he is a really nice boy, ask aunt Genna if you don't believe me, no less soft-hearted than Tommen, and you have an awful lot of common experiences you can bond on, such as ending up in a nightmare of a gilded cage out of your naive dreams and killing asshole Kings... Still no?

Oh well, I am not finicky: Lady Stoneheart, Sand Snakes, random Freys, Beric Dondarrion, Ilyn Payne, Melisande of Asshai, the Hound, Cer... Sorry. My hitlist got mixed up with Arya's by mistake.

Again, I am taking everything. Almost. A bowl of brown waits the authors who name Myrcella or Tommen in such context.

Tyrion

PS: Jaime and Margaery Tyrell is the only marriage father arranged I ever approved of.

* * *

Tyrion and shippers,

Go figure if a bedraggled bunch of misfits that ships me with Margaery Tyrell is going to change my mind, when, for the first and only time in my while life, I hold my own before father and said no to him. Like, straight to his face. I mean, I said NO to the mighty Tywin Lannister! It felt even better than gutting Aerys: curse on me if I ever take it back. Besides, I'd never break my word. Never. NEVER!

To the shippers who remarks that Loras Tyrell/Arthr Dayne/Brienne of Tarth are like me at 16, or were who I wanted to be at 16, or are like I would like to be now, I'd like to reply that the fact that I have a liking to whom is just like me doesn't make me gay.

To those objecting that a Brienne-ship wouldn't, I answer that our relationship was strictly professional, and “[Bodyguard crush](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BodyguardCrush)” is no fitting trope for a medieval setting.

If you insists it's a medieval case of [“Lady and Knight”](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LadyandKnight) , just gender-flipped, the gender-flipped me would be Cersei, and Brienne did nothing to protect her, so no.

As to other ships, they are too many to address, and the following apply to their generality:

1) No, thanks.

2) I repeat that: thank you, you are very obliging indeed, but no.

3) If I have not convinced you yet, I have a real, canon -compliant, satisfying relationship with a wonderful woman waiting faithfully for me in King's Landing.

4) That failing, I am a Kingsguard, the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, we have oaths to keep, and as a Lord Commander I believe in leading by example.

5) Everything else failed, I am staying clear of bathtubs and taking showers. Showers _only_. Cold showers. Lots of cold showers. That's why I am seriously contemplating taking up Ned Stark's old offer and removing myself to the Wall.

So just stop shipping me.

Thank you all for your understanding.

Jaime Lannister

PS: it would be such a welcome change if in the upcoming books GRRM forwent throwing random camp followers at me.


	4. Genna's. Ship  me now!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ripe time to address the issue of middle-aged women sexuality

Sweetling,

I ought to pull you by the ear: you did a nice job bringing every kind of shipping and kink to the mainstream audience, and not a word about middle-aged women! It's ripe time to address the issue as well, depicting our sexuality in the positive, satisfying light it deserves.

Spare me your toyboys, thank you very much. What am I, a scrawny little girl who just stopped playing with her puppy dragons? Thanks to the Crone, I am no fresh chicken and know better than swooning over such as Daario Naharys or Gerold Dayne.

And neither my niece should. Lancel, the Kettleblacks, Taena Merryweater. Tsk Tsk. That girl wants a good spanking, I told him, but my brother has always been blind as a bat to what's going on under his very nose in his own house.

Men are such fools! As we Lannister girls would say, lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for years. To make a long story short, cousin Joanna had poor Ty under her heel since the Castamere Rains became a hit – and what an awesome hit it was! We played really though music back then; could any of today sissy tunes spare you the effort of calling the banners and pound unruly vassals into submission, or work half as well as ill omen of impending doom? Take me at my word: I always had a knack for music, and the scene ran downhill from Rhaegar Targaryen's maudlin harp songs on.

If I advocate women of age rights, it's not to follow my leering god-father in his utterly ludicrous footsteps: as far as I am concerned, you greybeards can keep the lion's share of blunders over pretty faces greener than grass!

Luckily, in Westeros we don't lack for hard men who would rise to the occasion, past their prime yet capable of holding their own by the look of them: the kind who wouldn't quail before a woman of experience with some meat on her bones, if you get what I mean. Just to name a few, Brynden “The Blackfish” Tully, Areo “Big Axe” Hotah, Jon “The Greatjon” Umber, Barristan “The Bold” Selmy... Come on, shippers, don't be so tight-laced! The man has blood in his veins: bold enough to hit on Ashara Dayne, the hottest and most sought after beauty in his days, he was dismissed, and after my nephew's little stunt is there anyone who would take Kingsguard's vows at face value? I wouldn't object to the Onion Knight either..

Eat, love, live.

Genna

PS: Ty, be a good boy for once: lions are kin to cougars, so you'd better turn your wintry glare on someone else; and since we are at it, somebody find a woman for my fool of a brother.

 


	5. Tywin's. Ships sink.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I enjoin everybody from arranging my marriage.

I, Tywin of the House Lannister, Lord of Casterly Rock, Shield of Lannisport, Warden of the West and Hand of the King, enjoin everybody from arranging my marriage to the Lady Arya or the Lady Sansa of the House Stark. I suggest such proposals to be forwarded to Walder of the House Frey, Lord of the Twins, who I am confident will gladly oblige. I share Varys's views to an extent and I have set myself worthier goals than fondling a little wife while brooding over stale grudges. A Lannister always pays his debts, and I am in the habit of settling my scores while still afresh.

To stop any further unwarranted for speculations on my marriage with whatsoever woman of whatsoever house, or thereof lack, I am to remind you that I already sired three moronic children, thus amply satisfying what demanded by my duty to House Lannister. Looking after them and after a crazy grandchild too is task taxing enough to any man, even the mighty Tywin.

Yours faithfully.

PS: as to other ships not involving marriage, the lion does not care for bleating sheep, nor will I endorse idle gossips with my denial.


	6. Margaery's. A shipload of shippings.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First and foremost, I ought to say you are truly _marvellous_ for shipping me with more pretty girls than I care to count

To all my _lovely_ fan-shippers,

First and foremost, I ought to say you are truly _marvellous_ for shipping me with more pretty girls than I care to count: Dany Cella Tyene Asha Brienne Sansa Arianne Cersei Ygritte... Please forgive me if I forgot someone, you are really a bountiful!

A (((bear hug))) to you _wonderful_ people, and a smacking kiss  <3 to Big_Sis – may I call you sister, yes? I am _charmed_ by your utterly laughable attempts at shipping me with men I would not as much as touch with a pole, such as the Blue Bard or I can't remember which Kettleblack, but we all know where it stems from ;-) , you clingy woman you! Isn't Cersei's jealous attitude so totally _adorable_?

I am not much of a sword swallower, but while dusting my crowns collection – grandma is peculiar about tidying up and never leaving a fingerprint – I checked my personal “5 King's war” championship awards:

  * The Young Wolf – off canon, high 5 me!

  * Renly – thank you so much for partaking, Loras!

  * Joff – I had the little shit eating out of my hands, thumbs up for me!

  * Tommen – my sweet kitty, are you looking forward to our wedding night as I am?




Unfortunately I noticed two empty slots, sticking out as sore thumbs, that demand filling:

  * Balon Greyjoy

  * Stannis Barathen




Pretty please? Maybe they are not such a prize, but just for completeness' sake...

Thank you, my _fabulous_ fans and shippers for your _incredible_ support: Margaery loves you all!


End file.
